He's the most revered actor of our time. He's one of two men to win back-to- back Academy Awards for Best Actor. He's Tom Hanks. And now, he's "on" this network!
Everyone remembers the Tom Hanks of "Philadelphia," of "Forest Gump," of the delightfully sublime "Saving Private Ryan." But few remember some of his earlier, greatest movies -- "Volunteers," "The Man With One Red Shoe," "Turner & Hooch."
Well, we do. And each week, this network will showcase the best scenes, the greatest moments and the most memorable clips from the Tom Hanks cannon.
Host Adrian Zmed -- Tom Hanks' co-star on the ground-breaking "Bachelor Party" -- gives us a close-up look at the Hank oeuvre. Through behind-the-scenes interviews with extras from "Joe Vs. the Volcano" and crew members on "Punchline," you'll get a Hank's eye view of the story behind the story and answers to the questions that have dogged serious Hanks-ologists for a quarter century. Such as, what's "Money Pit" co-star Shelly Long really like? What kind research into the cutthroat world of Dungeons & Dragons did Tom do for "Mazes and Monsters?" And what the hell was the deal with "Bonfire of the Vanities" anyhow?
From the series premiere showcasing Hanks' work in the 1981 horror classic "He Knows You're Alone" to our special Sweeps month salute to his work on Bosom Buddies, you'll be swimming up to your eyeballs in Hanks, Hanks, Hanks! And you'll have this network to thank, thank, thank!
What happens when you combine amusing voice-over narration with candid video tape of ferocious animal maulings? Another network hit is what! Savage nature and pure hilarity join in an amazing combination sure to keep the nation riveted with horror... and rolling in the aisles!
From the minds that brought you the hit movies "Look Who's Talking," "Look Who's Talking Too," "Look Who's Talking Now" and the national spectacle of "When Animals Attack," "When Animals Attack II," and "When Animals Attack III" comes a unique new show about the dangers of the natural world and the humor that can found there.
"If there's one thing the American public has proven it wants," said some network programming chief, "it's two things: people being gored by animals and slide-splitting laughter. Bringing the two together was an obvious step."
Much-loved funnyman Bob Saget -- in his triumphant return to doing video voiceovers -- will host Look Who's Talking When Animals Attack.
"I'm really looking forward to this show," said Saget. "Think of the possibilities! We've got this one clip in the premiere, of a child being dragged around a back yard by a pit-bull, and I'm saying 'Takes like chicken! Takes like chicken!'"
Saget added, "Isn't that great?"
And severe puncture wounds aren't the only thing that will have you holding your stomach with nausea and your sides with laughter: at the end of each show, a $10,000 prize is awarded to the person who submits the best clip! (Or, alternately, to their estate.)
"But be careful!" said Saget. "We'll be watching for set-ups! We can tell when you've dropped your toddler into the alligator pond at the zoo on purpose."
Coming this fall, as only this network could bring it to you: Look Who's Talking When Animals Attack! What the American public has proven it wants.
In a first for television, this network has teamed with the rocket scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California and the computer wizards at Pixar ("Toy Story," "A Bug's Life") to create a prime-time sitcom created entirely within a computer. And this series doesn't feature lame-ass toy cowboys and toy-colored insects!
Instead, B&W -- short for Black and White, a reference to the early days of television when screens were incapable of showing color images -- is a regular sitcom whose cast members are entirely based on past footage of classic movie stars known the world over!
"It was only a matter of time before Hollywood picked up where those vacuum cleaner commercials left off and appropriated dead stars for their own purposes," said some network programming genius. "We decided to be the ones to do it first -- and best!"
But enough about the technology. What really matters is the humorous situation at the heart of B&W -- a cast of crazy characters living together in a large house in scenic Santa Purina, California. Forced to share one roof due to the high rents of Santa Purina landowner Stan Atkinson (Clark Gable) -- who hilariously slams the door of the house every time he comes to collect the rent -- this group will have misadventures you'll never forget.
There's Richie (Humphrey Bogart), the smooth, sophisticated waiter who's got dreams of buying his own boat and blowing Santa Purina, but instead spends his off hours solving pretty crimes. The bedroom next door is the home to Linda (Lucille Ball), the fiery redhead who works at the local candy factory, where the conveyor belt is always going out of control -- with hilarious consequences!
And we can't forget the mysterious Champ (Charles Chaplin), an apprentice haberdasher who leads a quiet life, rarely saying anything -- leading the other members of the house to envision wild situations that Champ might get into when he's away from home.
The house's fourth bedroom is a revolving door, bringing different characters into the house from week to week. You'll never know who'll show up next! Among the first visitors are a mysterious Bulgarian diplomat (Peter Lorre), a sexy bombshell (Myrna Loy), and a young leather-clad rebel (Marlon Brando).
"Hey, I'm not even dead yet!" said a confused Brando.
And let's not forget the upstairs neighbor, diplomat Teddy (Theodore Roosevelt). Teddy's not around much -- he's got foreign affairs to take care of! In a hilarious repeating gag that'll have everyone talking, every week Teddy leaves for Panama!
Whether it's crippling stomach pain or a virulent strain of the 24-hour flu, there's nothing America loves more than stomach viruses... especially when they're afflicting somebody else. Now, this network and producer Larry Hovis (Hogan's Heroes) bring you the funniest, most outrageous examples of when stomach viruses strike at the worst possible moments. All on videotape, and all in living color!
You'll see a nervous groom, overcome with emotion and the two chili dogs he had at the bachelor party the night before. During a high school graduation ceremony, the valedictorian is felled by a rare and powerful form of orthomyxovirus that leaves his hush puppies stained and you rolling on the floor. And look out, Mr. Prime Minister... that's former President George Bush coming to visit Japan, and it looks like the rice wine doesn't agree with him.
And that's only the series premiere!
"From my days on the groundbreaking show Totally Hidden Video, I knew there was one thing that delighted people of all ages," Hovis explained. "And that's watching complete strangers pray to the porcelain altar in exceedingly embarrassing settings."
World's Funniest Stomach Viruses will show the best in upchucking footage. Home viewers will be encouraged to send in video tapes of their own uproarious ralphing, with the funniest video of each week earning a $50 prize.
But the real winner is you, the network viewer. Just one glimpse at World's Funniest Stomach Viruses, and we'll guarantee you'll be laughing... and hopefully, not in Technicolor!
From the producers of Bounty Hunters and Real Stories of the Highway Patrol comes the heartstopping, real-life adventures of America's unsung heroes: the men and women of repossession bureaus. Each week, these "repo men" dish out their own particular brand of justice on the deadbeats and scofflaws that terrorize our cities. And this network is there, to give you a bird's eye view!
Hosted by Charles Woolery (Chuck Woolery) and shot on location in a different city each week, you'll get the true stories and witness some of the most dramatic repo dramatizations ever put to videotape.
The premiere episode features South Bend, Indiana where veteran repo man Chuck Logan tells a tale of danger with the quiet dignity and reserve that has come to typify this country's army of collection agents, most of whom have less than two felonies on their records.
"It was only my second day on the job and me," Logan recalls in painstaking detail. "And this other rookie were sent to a real swanky joint, you know, obvious country-club-type snobs. We had an order to repo a credenza but we walk into the living room and boom! These people had everything: sofa, couch, love seat, credenza, ottoman and foot stool. What were we gonna do? Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and after a few minutes we finally got out the dictionary and boom! There was a picture of a credenza, so we got the right one. I'll never forget what it was like to be a rookie."
You'll get inside stories like that and more! You'll witness the tricks of the repo trade as agents show how they use telephone calls as a diversionary tactics, slim jims to open those tricky car doors and doped-up slabs of meat to quell noisy guard dogs.
World's Most Dangerous Repos on this network... seizing Saturday night TV at the behest of our creditors. With a vengeance!
From the fertile minds at Brad Lachman Productions (World's Funniest!) comes this new reality-based series featuring the very best of paid political announcements, plus a rib-tickling bunch of TV news outtakes!
Senators, congressmen, even cabinet secretaries will run for cover as the Say What, Senator? cameras catch them in the act... of being human!
"What we're doing here is putting those Washington fat cats on the spot, showing the American people just what kind of people are representing them," said tiny billionaire host Ross Perot.
Former presidential candidate Perot will be featured himself from week to week. "You'll see my favorite charts and graphs from 1992, as well as several of my confused appearances on Larry King Live. We've spared no expense -- this show is world-class."
You think George Bush vomiting on the Japanese Prime Minister is funny? That's only the beginning! Witness Rep. Bob Dornan kick a small dog -- perhaps a chihuahua -- as his constituents look on in fear. See Strom Thurmond wet himself during a heated discussion of Social Security reform! And when Senator Gary Hart challenges reporters to follow him on a game of sexual hide-and-seek, all bets are off!
"Every week Ross and I will have a good time introducing clips of politicians looking foolish," says Perot's lovely co-host, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (co-star of this network's Zoo!). "Then we'll laugh and look at the camera knowingly."
The series debut, airing Sept. 11, will take an extensive look at President Clinton's rib-ticking videotaped testimony before the grand jury investigating his affair with intern Monica Lewinsky.
"Talk about your boffo premiers!" programming chief Warren Littlefield said. "Americans just can't get enough of the president talking about his tawdry relationship with that puffy strumpet!"
In an unusual move, this network has ordered two full years' worth of episodes of Say What, Senator?, enough to take the series through the spring of 2001.
"We figured that the 2000 presidential election would provide fodder for several episodes," says genius series creator Brad Lachman. "Besides which, we've got 20 episodes' worth of material on Lyndon LaRouche alone."